Tonight I feel different. I feel indifferent. Or perhaps I feel melancholy but have come to accept the inevitable.
I feel I will always be alone. I can engage in a relationship, I can give my everything but the reality is I doubt anyone will ever truly love me enough to stick by my side. No one will ever get past my eccentricity or see that I am not delusional.
Too many times I have sacrificed my elaborate, alternative thought processes and behaviors ..even masked my intelligence to appear more desirable. You cannot smother a passionate soul. If you attempt to do so, surely you will destroy it.
I’m beginning to fall in love with my studies. I seem to desire exploring my mind for the hidden treasures it holds. I wish to delve into my world and bring the findings to the surface.
As for interpersonal relationships…
My love will always remain full force but my desire to fight for the lackluster desire is dwindling. I have no desire to try if I am the only one trying. At this point, after all I have been through, I could watch them slowly despise me and care less. I couldn’t care less if I am wanted or not. What is the point in hurting over something inevitable? If someone truly loves me, all of me, they will not be off put by who I am. Too often I am faced with the reality that I am seen as entertainment, something fantastical, unique, special, and they cling to it. The thing is… you love the idea of me but the reality in which you need to face to love me is too much. So then, you fall away.
Feel free to leave. I will not stop you. If that’s the case, I do not even want you.
I have no real desire to experience this world.
If you do love me..every bit of me..then I will do anything for you…but the moment you stop trying, so will I.
So untill I see that effort, that genuine love and care, I will be in my own world. Find me, if you like.
It’s the little things that you take for granted but for me they cause chaos.
It’s the horrible short-term memory that forces you to ask for a repeat over and over.
It’s not being able to handle or remember more than one or two tasks asked of you.
It’s setting an alarm to remember to eat because you’ll forget and go a couple days.
It’s sitting in the shower for too long because you spaced out for an hour thinking, only to realize you haven’t washed anything as the water goes cold.
It’s everyday noises being too loud, the sun always too bright, smells too strong, touch too uncomfortable.
It’s feeling uneasy, anxious, afraid, angry, alone, like you’re an animal inside a glass tank, able to see the world but not able to touch it. You’re unable to express it.
It’s struggling to be an adult and wanting to have a home, a driver’s license, a job… but being unable to aquire these things in the traditional manner ..if at all.
It’s wanting to be respected and viewed as an adult but only being seen either as inferior, a child, or both.
It’s wanting to be accepted as a normal, functioning member of society but being mocked at because you stim by doing weird hand motions, voice tics, fidgeting, and nervous humming because you’re too overwhelmed not to and need to self-soothe.
It’s having others get frustrated at you because you don’t understand when they hint at something but you’re physically incapable of understanding much of, if any of that kind of communication, and having them tell you how insensitive and rude you are for failing to notice.
It’s being overwhelmed and feeling like you can’t take it anymore just to have someone complain and punish you for forgetting or screwing things up again.
It’s being up countless nights , over thinking things and sending yourself into a panic.
It’s knowing that no matter how much you love and desire someone, and if someone does manage to love you back, you’ll struggle to show it or do the right things and deep inside you know you’ll never really understand and comprehend their love for you and eventually they’ll get fed up and leave. It’s the loneliest thing.
It’s knowing there’s no pill or surgery or any other way to fix it because its how your brain is wired.
It’s knowing everyone else sees the world in “color” while you see it in black and white.
It’s knowing no matter how hard you try to explain it all, no matter how hard someone tries to listen, you’ll never get them to understand.
It’s knowing it will be this way forever.
To lay here and think about how everything went wrong and you’re not sure how.
one day you’re shopping together and he looks at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, telling you how much he can’t wait to do the little things one day when you get married. Then day after day all the little things he used to find so heart-melting became things he was repulsed by. Eventually the thought of you made him sick.
To think one day I was seen as a blessing, the next I was seen as a curse.
To know your very being is not enough. No matter what. It doesn’t matter how secure , how happy, how much you felt relieved to be loved by someone who treated you well. You’ll just become a demon in their eyes.
What good am I? Why is it so hard for someone to love me?
I seemed to have given up looking for an answer but in that time of indifference I was presented with an answer to my life-long begging and pleading to know what the hell was wrong with me.
It had all started when my parents had insisted that I seek therapy for my apparent depression and anxiety. Amongst other issues including bizarre behavior. Or at least what appeared to be eccentric according to the outside world. I met with an intake nurse who took a general history of anything and everything to do with my mental health. This included asking about my family and any psychiatric disorders they may or may not have had, psychiatric hospital visits and symptoms I felt I was experiencing. I ended up going home with a paper that had diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder. What that means is basically being a fidgety mess all the time and worrying about things I ought not to be worrying about at all. Or should I? Afterward I had been referred out to a therapist who is male and I have come to be fond of him. He was quite honest with me and is still quite honest with me and told me that he wasn’t entirely sure what the issue with me was. After quite a few visits that included talk therapy and art therapy as well as helping me find help in pursuing a future as a young adult, he first came to the conclusion that I had inattentive attention deficit disorder. Which is the newest described ADD. Apparently, which I find quite accurate at least in my personal experience and thorough research throughout the years, there are three subcategories of attention deficit disorder:
My therapist still feels very strongly that I do in fact have this disorder but like most people, or at least quite commonly speaking I have two disorders the other of course being autism. I am not surprised in the least to hear the diagnosis inattentive attention deficit disorder. As a child i was not officially diagnosed according to paper or those nasty insurance companies ,many therapists throughout my life strongly suggested that I ought to seek an official diagnosis or at least one that is recognized. What caught me by surprise was the autism. Throughout my life many people have questioned me whether or not I lied somewhere on the autism spectrum. Not seeing how I matched any of the stereotypical and known symptoms such as robotic speech, lack of empathy, problems with language(which is very vague ), understanding complex nonverbal communication such as sarcasm or indistinct facial expressions, having some Savant like capabilities or gifts that everyone claimed autistics had, being exceptional when it came to numbers such as math and memorizing dates, license plate numbers or other things such as that, I felt I was more than under-qualified to be a person with autism. However, though autism has been around for quite some time only as recent as 2013 when the term Aspergers or high functioning autism was put to retirement and replaced officially with autism spectrum disorder, has awareness and the details of what the heck this thing called autism is just started to come to light. Most research about the disorder has only been or has mostly been limited to just males. For a long while most people believed that it was strictly limited to males or as time went on perhaps it was mostly males and very rarely females who develop this disorder. Nowadays I do believe scientists and Society has come to realize that autism shows very differently from person to person and in addition the symptoms manifest quite differently in females than to males. As I learned of my symptoms I realize I am still very much autistic I just have a much more rare set of symptoms. My symptoms would include incredible sensitivity to sensory which causes me to have meltdown and feel immense pain. An example would be being unable to eat at the dinner table with my family because the sound of their chewing no matter how quiet they try to be drove me absolutely bonkers. My hearing is quite impressive and therefore I cannot listen to things such as the radio or be in a group of people for too long or listen to the sound of a vacuum cleaner or a TV without covering my ears and feeling incredibly irritable. I also learned by looking back on my past relationships both romantic and platonic that I had major difficulty understanding what people were trying to say because I had trouble recognizing their real feelings and intent because I just couldn’t seem to read between the lines. I often offended people who told me I was too blunt or honest. whenever I was told I was a problem I attempted to try and fix it but asking them what I could do. I always seem to do the best I could and do exactly what I was asked to do just to be told, ” that’s not what I meant you make it seem nicer but nothing changes you’re missing my point”.
One thing that confused me was that I have always been exceptional when it came to language arts. I have the ability to pick up and learn just about any language I have ever attempted to understand in an exceptional amount of time. Autistic people have major difficulty with language do they not? Apparently some have exceptional ability when it comes to language. With me for example, I understand all the words and have a vast vocabulary and can give you 15 synonyms without hesitation to help you better describe what you’re trying to convey. I understand the literal meaning of words and I even understand metaphors quite well. The issue with me is that I don’t understand the so-called hidden meaning behind words that’s so many neurotypical people use in their everyday life. I never realized that because it all feels so natural to me. You can’t miss what you never had in the first place. After researching I’m being told all these things and having everything put into perspective I realize I’ve been missing a lot of what has been presented to me in the form of conversation my entire life. I learn to realize even before my diagnosis I often miss understand what people mean. I simply thought I was just dense. Often I will make up for my lack of understanding by asking questions about how people were feeling and what they were thinking. for the most part I never had an issue with this considering most people thought I was just incredibly interested in their life which of course made them feel good from what I have been told. of course there is the exceptions who get incredibly frustrated having to answer the same questions for me multiple times a day.
I have a numerous amount of other symptoms that affect my daily life but I will go into that later on another post. I wanted to talk about the questions that have been repeating in my mind for some time now. Am I broken? Am I stupid? Just because I have a high IQ am I still inferior to other people because I can’t seem to grasp basic human functions? Are all my weird quirks and habits such as bizarre movements, echoing What I Hear repeatedly, noticeable fluctuation or monotone speech patterns, narrowed interest to the point of obsession, childlike behavior and speech, and other things which I learned are the effects and symptoms of my autism simply my autism or is it my personality? was my personality shaped by my autism? Or was it a mixture of both? What really is personality? After all our brain functions are well brain functions. How we act and how we are have everything to do with how our brain is formed. of course there’s the spiritual aspect because God made us the way we are for a reason without a doubt but my question Still Remains. If I wasn’t autistic would the childlike behaviors and eccentricity that some people have come to love about me and recognize me by even exist at all and if so to what degree? I ask these questions and sometimes I feel like I answer them all simply by saying autism is a developmental disorder our brains are wired just a bit differently it’s not like we are some kinds of monsters or inhuman. Everyone thinks differently people with autism and neurotypical people just run on different wavelengths so to speak. regardless of my open-mindedness to autism as well as other mental disorders, I still feel a sense of anxiety with my newfound answers. I feel relieved to have answers but at the same time it has opened a whole new can of worms. all my life I have pretty much looked up to my mother for answers and help and for the most part her wisdom and experience as well as her relationship with God has always seemed to comfort me and given me for the most part the answers I needed. At this point in my life in regards to my autism diagnosis I realize I’m the one with most of the answers and knowledge about such a disorder wheras she knows little to nothing. Now it is her who comes to me with fear and excitement alike and questions seeking my less than official expertise on the subject. However I suppose if you were to ask who knows more about autism at this point in time a psychologist merely observing an autistic person or the autistic person themselves who has lived it, I at least would say the autistic person. But alas I am still quite lost and I feel alone and fearful because I have no answers to a certain degree and because autism is only recently being understood and at a very miniscule level who out there can really guide me and put my anxieties to rest? who do I go to and say, ” so I have autism, what now”?
My therapist suggests meeting up in groups with other autistic people in hopes of getting some answers as well as continuing my therapy which is to gain social skills. my thoughts on the matter are don’t you think a social gathering between people on the autism spectrum would be awfully anti-climatic? Or overly climatic. Disasterous even. Think about it. A group of socially deficit individuals trying to make friends. everyone will be brutally honest with little to no regard of how they may make the other feel. You’ll have the introverted autistics having a meltdown due to sensory overload from the extroverted autistic people rambling On and On and such. quite a few autistic people myself included have a habit of appearing self-centered and mostly only interested in discussing their personal narrow interests at great Lengths and in great detail. if any two people can have a one-sided conversation at the same time it would be somebody autistic. How exceptional. I say all this but I understand that in reality it is much more functionable. it’s just a silly thing to imagine.
I have always been interested in the subject of psychology specifically mental disorders but my most favorite in regards to interest has always been autism. I almost feel glad that if I had to have any mental disorder at all it would be the one that I am so interested in. not only do I get to research about my favorite subject I also realized I get to experience it firsthand. Just the same I have an interest in seeking to understand what I am experiencing. it’s funny to think most of my life I have been begging and pleading for an answer or an explanation to what is going on with me, just to find out I’ve known all along I just didn’t realize it all applied to me. oh the irony. I feel much less depressed than I did before considering I have an answer to most of my questions. my obsession as it always has been is to learn more about this disorder and now how it applies to me. I also have become aware and intrigued by the neuroscience aspect of it all and Neuroscience in general. from here on out at least until otherwise stated I think I will write about my discoveries and research as well as my experiences with life after discovering my new diagnosis. Hopefully that is more entertaining than watching me dig my way out of a metaphorical ditch that I have been sinking into my entire life.
I have so much to say and so many more questions to ask.
At this point in time I continue to put on the mask and pretend I’m fine. I refuse to speak to those who see through my plastered smile and I become angry when they try to come near.
I don’t even try to lie to myself anymore. I know that I’m unhappy. Lying to myself wasn’t working. So now from the moment I wake up, I distract myself with interests which in itself is not so bad..but at this point it’s become too much. I can’t even think about my heartache. I can’t think about anything. I am losing time more and more quickly. Days pass before I know it. Eventually I am forced to stop whatever it is I do and come to face all the insecurities and fear and confusion that I have tried to ignore.
When I’m in a daze and time is flying by, I am shocked by just how much I can do while floating through life without really living it. Conversations, meals, showers, activities. .I never even knew I took part in let alone recall the details.
I feel myself slipping further and further into my kingdom inside me, leaving the real world behind. I am so disassociated with life I know if I don’t snap out of it soon, I’ll have wasted my life away and be breathing my last breath. Though, to be quite honest… that is what I hope for.
It is no secret to anyone that I do not have a death wish but I also have no desire to live. I understand now that my life is precious but nonetheless I want life to pass by as quickly as possible.
I had a goal. One main goal. A dream that I would one day meet a loving man of God and have children. I’d love them and care for them and I’d have a reason to breathe. . . . But I’m sorry to say that. .. I no longer see that goal. That dream no longer speaks to me as it once did. I no longer desire the loving embrace of a husband. I no longer even cry for my future child’s soft little hand in my own. I desire nothing. I feel nothing. I hope for nothing. I feel numb. I feel as though I’ve given up. I do not even want help. I do not want answers. I do not ask questions. I do not live. I just…exist. barely.
I just.. don’t care anymore. I barely even feel.
My past means nothing. My future means nothing.
I still cry. Mostly in frustration.
I feel who and what’s left to care about is slipping away. . . And I barely allow myself to even worry about it. Where I once held on and would do anything to keep what ever I held dear close to me, I now only see it go from the corner of my eye.
I may be breathing, walking , talking, eating, I may be alive.. but I’m not living. I may be here. . But I’m not really.
I will tell you what you want to hear.. probably. Just so you’ll be satisfied and not pry.
I feel like I’ve finally become what I wanted to be so very desperately.
A lost, empty doll in a vast kingdom all on her own.
In order to hold any kind of relationship with somebody, you must have trust.
But as we know, I trust no one. Trying to open up, be vulnerable to people in order to become closer. ..well i don’t like that at all. If I numb myself, refuse to care about what others think of me, refuse to let any interaction be more than being simply acquainted… I’ll feel better because I’ll feel nothing at all.
As I have done this I realize I am being annoyed by others concerns. Please kindly shut up. I do not want to think about my problems. You’re just a constant reminder of how fucked up I am.
Am I “ok”? No. I am not. You already know that so please be quiet. I don’t trust you. It has always been tiring to socialize and I only ever tried because I was asked to. It’s troublesome.
It will take some getting used to but I will continue to numb myself. It beats having a break down every 20 minutes.
I continue to lay in bed each night crying my eyes out in agonizing pain, begging God to end it. . .or to end me.
And as this goes on, a constant concern plays in my head. Will I ever get better? Will I continue to live every night and day in misery as I have since the first day I can remember?
I am so often told that I never feel good. That there’s always something wrong. That I need to toughen up and move on. That they have dealt with my mental illness for too many years.
But tell me… how is one illness different than another? Would you tell someone with cancer the same hurtful insensitive things you’ve told me for years? Of course not. You’d be criticized, gossiped about and you yourself would know that you are bullying someone who could very well die at any moment.
So tell me why everyone flocks around the cancer patient who is curled up in pain, crying their eyes out, screaming in anger and fear, taking medication or drugs or any form of what they think will give them even slight temporary relief? Why do they hold their hands look into their eyes and tell them they are not alone? So why is it that they are treated so kindly and patiently, even though this could go on for years, even the rest of their lives? They deserve it. They deserve the care, the concern, the sensitivity, the patience. For as long as they need it.
So why is one illness different than the other…? My life..my whole life I have dealt with my illness and mostly alone. Instead of being cared for , I’ve been mocked, bullied, pushed aside, expected to do things I simply cannot.
While the cancer patient is being surrounded by warm bodies ready to offer any support, I am left alone and expected to look for work, keep myself going, get out, support myself do everything I simply cannot.
Why do they treat something terminal like the common cold?
As the cancer patient would know, you either suffer till one day maybe you get better with or without lasting damage, you suffer your whole life till you die of something natural or unrelated to the illness, or you die from the illness itself.
The same goes for me. So back to the original point. Will I ever get better? Or will I live my whole life this way? How much time do I have? Is anyone there for me? Am I alone? What do I do? Where do I go?
One day my entries here will come to an end. What will be the cause? Will it be unrelated, natural… or will my illness have taken me?
I suppose they will be my only words left behind to see how it all led up till that point.
Im terrified and I am in agonizing pain. Please don’t roll your eyes at me. . . Please love me. Please somebody love me. . .without giving up on me …
Everything..or nearly everything seems to be going right. . .
My future looks bright.
People listen to me now, see me..
People think about me and reach out. . .
My family is at last being brought together in the most amazing ways.
I have an appointment to get therapy.
I have glasses.
A family member gave me more than enough money to take my drivers test.
I have a home, food, a bed, clothes and I am growing ever closer to God.
I made a new friend that I was able to minister to and bring good, God centered advice to.
I was able to see my big brother and grandmama.
I have another nephew on the way.
I found out my sister got married.
Everyone got together for dinner, we laughed, we joked, everything was great.
And yet…. I feel…I don’t even know what I feel. I cannot wrap my head around it at all.
Where…where is the bad news? How…How do I deal with only good news? Never in my life have I ever dealt with this before.
So many come to me to vent, to relate. They seek me for advice, prayer, guidance, comfort. Now here I am…finally without answers. To something you would imagine would just come naturally. Experiencing happiness.
I am . . . utterly confused. I am afraid. . .but of what exactly? What is there to be afraid of? While I watch my family and friends laugh and celebrate and smile and ask, “it’s wonderful, right??”, I just cannot join in their fanfare. I’m full of anticipation but for what? Is it bad or good?
I always knew good things would come through our Lord. I never fretted because I held this knowledge close. Yet now that we are here…or nearly . . . I haven’t the slightest idea what to make of it.
I tell you, I can deal with heartbreak, being cheated on, being beaten, degraded, sexually abused, neglected, kicked out, without a home, bullying, self harm, addiction, disorders, physical limitations, betrayal, suicidal thoughts and actions. Just about anything, some things I have never even shared. I was able or am able to share those things, that advice, help those learn from my mistakes..but..Who is there going to be… to mentor me on…happiness..?
God have you brought me someone already?
Is this even real happiness and I am that confused , or does everyone see it as happiness but I feel in my spirit that something big, and not good.. is about to happen? It feels new. I don’t know this feeling.
I am so used to saying, “Otra Vez”. This again…but I cannot. Not this time.
I am so used to the same bitter tears, the same aching , burning, sharp, feeling in my heart. The numbness in my body that feels like dread and yet nothing at all. As if the words “no escape” had a distinct feeling.
What is this feeling, God? What is this thing I feel in my spirit that everyone around me seems to be blind to. It is there. I know the difference between mental/emotional and spiritual. This is definitely spiritual.
I know you will show me in the right time, Lord. I know you will give me the strength and the wisdom to get through what ever is to come in the very near future. I just ask you ease my heart, mind, body and spirit in the meantime as well. Help me sleep tonight. Bring me scripture, your peace, your grace and never stop speaking to me.
I know I was made for great things, God. Just not knowing what they are is terrifying. I will continue to walk my faith, not by sight. I know I am exactly what I need to be because you made me that way.
I am enough.
God is enough.