Tonight I feel different. I feel indifferent. Or perhaps I feel melancholy but have come to accept the inevitable.
I feel I will always be alone. I can engage in a relationship, I can give my everything but the reality is I doubt anyone will ever truly love me enough to stick by my side. No one will ever get past my eccentricity or see that I am not delusional.
Too many times I have sacrificed my elaborate, alternative thought processes and behaviors ..even masked my intelligence to appear more desirable. You cannot smother a passionate soul. If you attempt to do so, surely you will destroy it.
I’m beginning to fall in love with my studies. I seem to desire exploring my mind for the hidden treasures it holds. I wish to delve into my world and bring the findings to the surface.
As for interpersonal relationships…
My love will always remain full force but my desire to fight for the lackluster desire is dwindling. I have no desire to try if I am the only one trying. At this point, after all I have been through, I could watch them slowly despise me and care less. I couldn’t care less if I am wanted or not. What is the point in hurting over something inevitable? If someone truly loves me, all of me, they will not be off put by who I am. Too often I am faced with the reality that I am seen as entertainment, something fantastical, unique, special, and they cling to it. The thing is… you love the idea of me but the reality in which you need to face to love me is too much. So then, you fall away.
Feel free to leave. I will not stop you. If that’s the case, I do not even want you.
I have no real desire to experience this world.
If you do love me..every bit of me..then I will do anything for you…but the moment you stop trying, so will I.
So untill I see that effort, that genuine love and care, I will be in my own world. Find me, if you like.